birthdays always happen so surprisingly quickly.
it seems like they're perpetually far, then one day they're in two weeks, then they're gone.
i wonder why this rhythm .. imaginary/approaching/wake-up.
that's sort of how christmas is too.
or any exciting event.
maybe two weeks is the window for whirlwind?
who knows.
anyway, time to re-enter imaginary...
by the way, bonding over food is more fine than anything has ever been.
sigh--ignorance is not bliss: intimacy is.

it's a sadness about all of these things. not frustrated or angry or even upset just.. sad. it's about the discrepancy between the way things are and the vision: the way things could be, and should be. it's the resounding clash between heaven and earth. and sometimes it causes frustration or anger. tears or trepidation. but tonight, it's nothing more than a long defeat. where really, truly, the only hope is an unseen way.

because the raindrops have returned. they're splashing into the ocean of unknowns in the way raindrops do, and are warping the little light that finds its way into the blue abyss. the funny thing about water, though, is that despite it lessening the ability for vision, hearing is heightened. sound travels faster, fuller. so why am i fighting to see though the water.. when listening, and casting out echoing cries to understand my surroundings, would be far more helpful?

key westtttt...
home of the sunset.
our home for the next two days.
excuse me while i go swim in the pool outside our room and 'get away from it all'....
(all = grad school, but mostly cold state college weather ;)

do you have people in your life who just ... speak truth to you? one time, my friend bonnie, in her infinite whimsicality, asked me to "tell her something true." how would i even begin to do that? but, it's been something i've pondered ever since [ever since being .. at least the past two years? perhaps more?]. i wonder what gives these statements truth. i suspect it has more to do with their timing than their content. or maybe it's that they speak uniquely you, right in the moment when you aren't quite sure what 'you' means.

anyhow, i feel like i'm rapidly collecting these moments as of late, so i'm going to compile them [even if some of them were sent secondarily instead of by their original authors; same principle]. perhaps they'll serve as an anchor at some future prodigal point?

...

"Please. (I'll demand politely.) I know your MO, so you'll have no choice but to share, got it?! :)"


"They may have many friends, but they don't have another Ashley G. (I was just going to write "another Ashley" but Ashley's such a common name that I thought I'd be more specific)."


"i love how instead of asking 'does that mean something's wrong?' you wrote 'does that mean everything's okay?' hmmm. what does that say about you, or me, or our relationship? ;)"


"So every day
I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth
of the ideas of God,
one of which was you."


"I am really not meant to be a part of society I think. It irks me."


"if the whole psych thing doesn't work out...you could totally be a preacher. we could go to africa together and be a preaching psych pair of the introverted variety."


"I have often been told that when one first turns to God, one is greeted with brilliant Yes answers to prayers. For a long time that was true for me. But then, when he has you hooked, he starts to say No. this has been, indeed, my experience. But it has been more than a No answer lately; after all, No is an answer. It is the silence, the withdrawal, which is so devastating. The world is difficult enough with God; without him it is a hideous joke." - Madeleine L'Engle


"this is not what i'm going to forreal write you."


"i'm back and i see your green dot!!"


"Take it from me--crazy life is much better than sitting around with nothing to do but sit around and get crazy in your head. Crazy life is much better than crazy in your head."


"I started dancing in my kitchen when I read your email. Then I hugged Ellen and tried to tell her about the beauty of women friends. Just yesterday, she, Sean and I had a conversation in which they both tried to convince me that, based on their experiences, girls make lousy friends to each other. I assured them that this can change."


"..it makes perfect sense to me that the one you sent (and the caption) made you think of me – not that I can say why exactly."


"I found it simultaneously humbling and encouraging. As always, I am struck by our collective vulnerability and strength."


"It's a beautiful mystery isn't it?"


"You wrote with such passion and urgency, giving me the feeling that you might have been out of breath by the end of it. I could literally feel the pulse of that email - - it was wonderful!"


"Just a crazy love for them - - not for their possibilities (although that's a piece of it I'm sure), but for who they are at this moment. They move me."


"Life doesn't get any better. This I know for sure."

.....


From This River, When I Was a Child, I Used to Drink

But when I came back I found
that the body of the river was dying.

"Did it speak?"
Yes, it sang out the old songs, but faintly.

"What will you do?"
I will greive, of course, but that's nothing.

"What precisely will you grieve for?"
For the river. For myself, my lost
joyfulness. For the children who will not
know what a river can be--a friend, a
companion, a hint of heaven.

"Isn't this somewhat overplayed?"
I said: it can be a friend. A companion. A
hint of heaven.

....

"I have come to believe that over the course of a lifetime, if we are fortunate, we will find a few souls that serve as anchors for our own soul and that this is what we seek - - sometimes tentatively as in our most vulnerable and lonely moments and sometimes with passion and abandon. I believe that we are drawn and compelled by certain people regardless of age, gender, interests, experiences, personality, and so forth. They simply catch us up in some inexplicable way."