in blue like jazz, donald miller notes that "there are some nights when i just don't want to be on earth." ... (or something along those lines). yes, there are some nights when i simply don't want to have to keep existing. tonight is one of those nights. it's not bad, necessarily. it just .. is. i'm just so completely done being. here.

do you think you match other people? or are you usually the one who is being matched? do you notice either way? in your relationships, who determines the atmosphere of things?

i find that i very much match people. i match people's moods. i try meet people where they need to be met. i match their levels of investment. if someone puts a lot into a relationship, so will i. if they don't, that's okay, but i can't bring myself to either (which, i guess is true of most people, but still). i wish i could just be less sad about such things. i also wish i could be matched more often. i think i just shows care and nurturing and protection and .. an understanding & awareness of the other person's current state and needs. and, i have a special place in my heart of initiators. for people who write to you just because they're thinking about you. not even when people do that for me .. but, when i see it happening in general. people get so wrapped up in who's right in front of them, that they often forget about who isn't. can't we just focus on what the non here-and-now from time to time? is it so hard to remember that there's more to life than the current moment?

i think i'm feeling venty. [and, now i'm resisting making a lame joke about a 'venti' starbucks drink.. agh...]

some time ago, i decided i wanted to make a goal of appreciating small details. in nature, in man-made structures, but especially simple, yet intricate details about people. it pains me how much of life goes unnoticed. i want to notice. i love when i know people so well that i can recognize things about them. i think i realized this in (okay, this is odd, but bear with me) a bathroom stall in high school. it was during swim team practice, and one of my friends walked in. i didn't have to ask who it was ... i knew because i recognized her feet. and then it occurred to me that i probably could tell who most people on the team were even if they were all behind a curtain and all i could see was their feet. or, i love when i know someone's handwriting. or am inherently familiar with the sound of their laugh across an auditorium. i think maybe i just love to appreciate what makes people uniquely.. them.

and sometimes, i am just in awe of how beautiful people are. not in appearance so much as in .. just the beauty that they exist. i want to spend more of my life awed. i want to walk around with the eyes of a child, in wonder of my world. i want to proverbially zoom in and out on life. i focus so much on an eye's length ... but what if i were to look more closely, and see the grains and knots that make up my bureau? or widen my perspective and look at who i'm talking to in the context of their story, and why they have the lines on their face, and how many sun-kissed hours were spent creating freckles, and who bought them they necklace they where every day? i want to be curious about people. i want to ask them questions, and show them value, and just .. appreciate their being. i think by wondering about someone, you are adding value to their life somehow. we have such little attention to give, that if we choose to give it to pondering someone's story, it demonstrates a profound love for their being.

also, i have come to the conclusion that we spend far too much time and energy escaping sadness. i feel lately as if i'm looking at the world through grey-colored lens. it doesn't feel great, i suppose ... but it somehow doesn't feel 'bad' either. i almost feel .. gratitude? for it. it's not that i want to feel bad ... or even that i'm accustomed to it. it's just .. beautiful to live out the full range of experiences.


I’d rather have the mystery and the madness and the rains
cause hell’s the only place you can be free of all love’s pain

I have no claim on the future
so here I lay me down
and God is a friend to lovers
he makes the bone, the flesh, the ground
and he walks with us, make no mistake