some time ago, i decided i wanted to make a goal of appreciating small details. in nature, in man-made structures, but especially simple, yet intricate details about people. it pains me how much of life goes unnoticed. i want to notice. i love when i know people so well that i can recognize things about them. i think i realized this in (okay, this is odd, but bear with me) a bathroom stall in high school. it was during swim team practice, and one of my friends walked in. i didn't have to ask who it was ... i knew because i recognized her feet. and then it occurred to me that i probably could tell who most people on the team were even if they were all behind a curtain and all i could see was their feet. or, i love when i know someone's handwriting. or am inherently familiar with the sound of their laugh across an auditorium. i think maybe i just love to appreciate what makes people uniquely.. them.

and sometimes, i am just in awe of how beautiful people are. not in appearance so much as in .. just the beauty that they exist. i want to spend more of my life awed. i want to walk around with the eyes of a child, in wonder of my world. i want to proverbially zoom in and out on life. i focus so much on an eye's length ... but what if i were to look more closely, and see the grains and knots that make up my bureau? or widen my perspective and look at who i'm talking to in the context of their story, and why they have the lines on their face, and how many sun-kissed hours were spent creating freckles, and who bought them they necklace they where every day? i want to be curious about people. i want to ask them questions, and show them value, and just .. appreciate their being. i think by wondering about someone, you are adding value to their life somehow. we have such little attention to give, that if we choose to give it to pondering someone's story, it demonstrates a profound love for their being.

also, i have come to the conclusion that we spend far too much time and energy escaping sadness. i feel lately as if i'm looking at the world through grey-colored lens. it doesn't feel great, i suppose ... but it somehow doesn't feel 'bad' either. i almost feel .. gratitude? for it. it's not that i want to feel bad ... or even that i'm accustomed to it. it's just .. beautiful to live out the full range of experiences.


I’d rather have the mystery and the madness and the rains
cause hell’s the only place you can be free of all love’s pain

I have no claim on the future
so here I lay me down
and God is a friend to lovers
he makes the bone, the flesh, the ground
and he walks with us, make no mistake