hmm ... i haven't posted here in a while. maybe i'll start doing that again (how many times have i said that?!)...

i wrote this sometime last week in one of my non-sleeping modes. i think i sort of like it. at least, it described the moment fairly adequately:

The clock's heartbeat echoes its reminder.

Sun-whispers echo off the moon's blackboard,

And the stars are breadcrumbs on a path,

Assuring the day's return.

Still, I want to run the streets,

to prance through those fields--the ones we passed earlier,

whose work infused the air with earth, nostalgia, and home.

But the field's familiarity--

it has fled with the light on their journey.

Maybe it wanted to chase life, like me.

Anyhow, here I sit, in the

thick and sedative trance of nighttime rhythms--

Clock, car, owl. Breathe.

Creak. Readjust. Settle.

Is that it? Does nighttime even

itself become familiar?

No: the light leaves, in its wisdom.

so we may readjust.

So we may be reset to see beyond our eyes--

and instead by the closeness of

humble cycles--swaddling our chaos.

my sleep has been so weird lately.

some nights i fall asleep immediately ... and others i can't sleep at all.

tonight, i couldn't get comfortable.

why? i've never had trouble sleeping before?

maybe i've just spent so much of the past several years so .. sleep deprived that it's some great novelty to my body to not devour sleep.

but it's 2:20am and now it chooses to be all awake?

i haven't had caffeine since .. this morning?

strange.

maybe something else is going on with me?

i wonder what that might be ..

i originally wrote this on september 23, 2005. it's interesting to read now ...

shy as a ..something that's really shy.

9/23/2005

i'm debating whether or not to make this a private entry. in a way i don't want to because i feel like it's silly and embarrassing, but on the other hand i sort of want to because i feel like others may benefit from knowing we shy people are quite common. yes, i'm coming out.. lol .. as being chronically shy. so right now i'm researching a bit about shyness (the psychologist in me is taking over ) and finding it very interesting.

i've been thinking about this whole shyness thing a lot lately. i suppose it's mainly because i came to australia not really knowing anyone who i came with (with exception of maybe jessie, but we only really knew each other from class). this meant i had to not only meet all of the people from my college, but also go into a world away from any comfort zone of people i know and can interact with without a second thought. you know, on top of being in a foreign country and having to learn a new culture, new school system, etc. i'm not saying you should feel sorry for me .. i wanted to come here and am loving it. i'm just trying to explain the extra apprehension that goes along with this whole new situation.

and particularly being a christian, it's hard to be shy. i want to reach out to people and befriend them and show them God's love and such .. but that's pretty hard to do when you have little ability to talk to people you don't know. sometimes i feel like i'm failing at the whole great commission ... why did God make me like this when He knew i'd become a christian and not be able to actually serve Him properly? i mean, i know this isn't fully true (if true at all) .. but i can't help thinking it from time to time.

it's something that has been frustrating my whole life. i don't even know where it originated? i just remember always being burdened by this shyness thing. i'd even be shy when my own grandmother came over! i wouldn't want to talk to her for a good half hour until after she was there. and my dad would make me order at the deli if i wanted something in particular. i'd just stand there paralyzed in fear contemplating the battle inside me: i want that food so badly but is it really worth having to talk to that stranger at the counter? basically it's caused me to sit on the sidelines for much of my life ... wishing i had the ability to do things but lacking the nerve to go up and ask. on the playground i'd want to play four square so much .. but i'd just stand there and watch because i was too afraid to ask. and i've procrastinated things to no end working up the courage to do them .. like calling people. i've carried the phone around for hours wanting to call about a job or to get together with someone i don't know well .. and can't seem to bring myself to do it. i'd sit and wait for my mom forever just to avoid having to ask someone for a ride home.

and it makes it worse when people want to be something you just aren't. in high school my coach would always "encourage" me by yelling at me to be more agressive. teachers would give me worse grades for not being assertive. and to top it off, my brother is the exact opposite. he used to hug his teachers when he was little. he was so sweet and charming. how did he do that!

anyway, here's some of what i found that i can totally relate to:

"We may define shyness as an exaggerated fear of rejection or negative response from others. Usually, too, it is a fear which is inhibiting in its effect--it holds us back from doing things we want to do. This does not mean that all who are shy are fearful in every type of social encounter. Many people experience shyness in some areas but not others."

"I had learned to be quite comfortable performing music before an audience. For some reason stage-fright was not a problem for me when performing. I felt at home standing in front of several hundred people with the guitar but panic-stricken at the thought of striking up a relationship with just one person."

"For some the greatest problem with shyness comes in seeking a job or advancement within their profession. There is great embarrassment in speaking to others about their gifts and potential. They feel morbidly self-seeking to raise the question of salary or job benefits."

"Shy people are often intelligent, creative individuals, with highly active imaginations. Their minds work overtime manufacturing imagined catastrophes which seldom occur."

"When a person comes to faith in Christ, this same capacity for mental depth can lend itself to a vibrant faith which is a great antidote to shyness. But shyness can also pose a barrier to faith. God has promised indescribable blessings to the Christian. There are relationships, opportunities for investing our gifts, and experiences of growth for each of us which are nothing short of extraordinary. Yet it takes steps of faith to come into these blessings, and a step of faith means going forward in spite of less than perfect certainty about the outcome. Shy people are so prone to imagine disaster that they may be frightened to take an important step of faith--and even convince themselves that God doesn't want them to."

"My shyness inhibits me to the extreme at times. I find myself wanting to talk with people, to get to know people, but my mind goes blank. I can't think of things to talk about or ask, and I'm unable to start a conversation even if I do have something to say. The silence becomes overwhelming. It's devastating!"

"...Carducci discusses how shy people think about themselves and their shyness. In particular, shy people tend to have a pessimistic attributional style, where they view awkward social encounters as being their fault. Further, they attribute failing to their own ingrained, personal flaws. Successful personal encounters tend to be attributed to luck, the social skills of the other person, or some other external factor beyond the shy person's control. How you label and interpret encounters affects how you feel about them and how they will affect your future behavior."

"Rather than comparing themselves to the majority of reserved people, shy people tend to compare themselves to the most socially successful and outgoing. Then, they rank poorly by comparison. They tend to have great conversational responses, unfortunately, after the conversation has ended."

"Shy people focus too much attention on how they are being evaluated to have fun interacting."

"While everyone else is meeting and greeting, they are developing plans to manage their public impression (If I stand at the far end of the room and pretend to be examining the painting on the wall, I'll look like I'm interested in art but won't have to talk to anybody)."

"They live trapped between two fears: being invisible and insignificant to others, and being visible but worthless."

"Though their shyness leaves no behavioral traces--it's felt subjectively--it wreaks personal havoc. They feel their shyness in a pounding heart and pouring sweat. While they may seem at ease and confident in conversation, they are actually engaging in a self-deprecating inner dialogue, chiding themselves for being inept and questioning whether the person they are talking to really likes them. "Even though these people do fairly well socially, they have a lot of negative self-thought going on in their heads," explains Pilkonis. Their shyness has emotional components as well. When the conversation is over, they feel upset or defeated."

"Teachers label them as shy and it sticks; they begin to see themselves that way--and act it."

"Without a circle of close friends or relatives, people are more vulnerable to risk. Lacking the opportunity to share feelings and fears with others, isolated people allow them to fester or escalate."

"Another cost--time. Shy people waste time deliberating and hesitating in social situations that others can pull off in an instant."

"Yet shy people are often gifted listeners. If they can get over their self-induced pressures for witty repartee, shy people can be great at conversation because they may actually be paying attention. . . Parents of the children she studies tell her that 'even in infancy, the shy child seemed to be sensitive, empathic, and a good listener. They seem to make really good friends and their friends are very loyal to them and value them quite a bit.' Even among children, friendships need someone who will talk and someone who will listen."

"To talk to a quiet person like myself, you should start the conversation. Keep on talking for a minute, and let me get comfortable with you. After a minute or two, I will probably open up to you. Don't go expecting a radical change. It is a gradual process. Don't rush it. I can almost guarantee that if you give a quiet person time they will open up to you. In a lot of cases we are like an oyster, if you open us up, you are likely to find a pearl inside."

"I am a quiet person. That is not to say that I never speak. On the contrary, when I know someone well, I can carry on elightening serious conversations with friends. These very same people cannot, however, believe that I am quiet, because I can talk to them. I supose I could be called a shy extrovert, because I enjoy a good conversation maybe more than anything else. I find nothing more rewarding than to just sit and talk with a friend."

"These people have acquaintances and family members who have differing opinions on their shyness. When young, they like to laugh and act silly to entertain the other children in their class. Despite this, they still don't feel they have any friends. Each friendship they come to seems unrewarding and they are apt to feeling sorry for themselves. They have a lot of energy and enthusiasm for certain projects. They are good students who can speak up in class, but find it terrifying to speak to other students outside of the school setting. At home they are loud and even annoying at times. They can be smart-asses. Their demeanor changes with the people that surround them. They are self-conscious around their peers, but can usually talk easily with those who are much older or younger. Some of them might be called dorks, but they tend to check what they say and do for fear of looking foolish. Their double personality causes them inner turmoil. They have trouble in relationships because they find it difficult to even enter into one. Flirting directly is a big no-no. They are well aware of a crush's presence in a room, but will never make direct eye-contact or conversation, unless it is unavoidable. They instead will drop conversation within earshot of the crush, hoping that they will find the talker interesting. The shy extrovert finds that this never works, but continues doing it anyway. They are not very noticeable except to the few people who know them well. They find being the center of attention both exhilarating and horrible."

"Then again, there are also the "not so obvious" shy types who, although they look like they’re doing alright on the outside, sometimes even mistaken for being outgoing at times, are trembling inside while everyone else is blissfully unaware of the effort they have to put in their demeanor."

"It's the same thing with new acquaintances, I rarely speak unless spoken to and I usually require an introduction which bars me from striking up conversations with strangers."

morning thunderstorm :)

Leah

(noun) to be a sexy attractive piece of meat

as you stand there, empty-handed

The Sun

Have you ever seen

anything

in your life

more wonderful

than the way the sun,

every evening,

relaxed and easy,

floats toward the horizon

and into the clouds or the hills,

or the rumpled sea,

and is gone--

and how it slides again

out of the blackness,

every morning,

on the other side of the world,

like a red flower

streaming upward on its heavenly oils,

say, on a morning in early summer,

at its perfect imperial distance--

and have you ever felt for anything

such wild love--

do you think there is anywhere, in any language,

a word billowing enough

for the pleasure

that fills you,

as the sun

reaches out,

as it warms you

as you stand there,

empty-handed--

or have you too

turned from this world--

or have you too

gone crazy

for power,

for things?

can i go to africa ... yet?

sometimes, i feel that my heart may literally explode. and not being one for sap, this is really saying something. but right now .... right now, sitting in leah's guest room.. knowing i spent all weekend in maryland. knowing i get to go on a 3 hour morning drive tomorrow. knowing i get to see my kids at reading club tomorrow, and cook dinner for rosalie's family with her tomorrow night. knowing sarah, knowing anne. hoping i'll see trevor on tuesday. and knowing i will see bonnie this weekend. and knowing i'll go on a road trip with nelli and caitlin in a week.

knowing He has withheld no good thing.

this must be a taste of what heaven feels like: a fourth dimension of joy. your heart, continually exploding and imploding about itself with utter gratitude. love, everywhere you turn.

but a vapor.

(from: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/)

"We are but a vapor. I think we know that we could die tomorrow, or worse that our children could, but do we really KNOW it? You know, LIVE as if we know in our hearts that we are just a breath, that we will wither and fade like the grass and the flowers... I know there are days when I don't. I am not meaning to be morbid, simply realistic. Because I know that if I lived like I really KNEW this truth, if I treated everyone as if they were David and might be taken tomorrow, I would love better. I would hug my children tighter and hold them longer. I would tell people thank you more often and I would tell God thank you more often. I am thankful that as I care for sick children often, this is something I am reminded of often, and I pray that it would change the way I life my life.

Francis Chan wrote, "How we live our days, is how we live our lives." I had to read it several times as I let it soak in. Because it is true. So often we find ourselves waiting for a specific moment, a specific call, something special. For what? How we spend our days... that will be our LIFE. Because today could be it. If Jesus came back today and said, "Let's go!" would we be ready? Would we be doing what we want to be doing when we meet Jesus? People say to me often, "You are so lucky that you found your calling, that you know your purpose in life." This statement boggles my mind. I AM so blessed to live the life that I do. But it isn't rocket science. God did NOT part the sky and shout out to me, "Katie! Serve my people." I read it in His word. You can too. We can all see as plain as day that Jesus says the number one commandment is to love the Lord and love your neighbor. I happened to move to Uganda and love those neighbors, but that is not the point. As believers, we should already KNOW our calling; it is to love the Lord and love our neighbors by caring for them in whatever broken state they are in. When He said that "the poor will always beamong us" I don't think he meant that as an excuse not to worry about it but as a reminder that there is ALWAYS a neighbor, no matter where we are, in a worse condition than we are. I can only believe that God created us to make this world a little better. That he designed us in love to show that love to others. I just don't know what everyone is waiting for."