audible.silence

2010-10-12T07:58:00.001-07:00

i wrote this sometime last week in one of my non-sleeping modes. i think i sort of like it. at least, it described the moment fairly adequately:

The clock's heartbeat echoes its reminder.

Sun-whispers echo off the moon's blackboard,

And the stars are breadcrumbs on a path,

Assuring the day's return.

Still, I want to run the streets,

to prance through those fields--the ones we passed earlier,

whose work infused the air with earth, nostalgia, and home.

But the field's familiarity--

it has fled with the light on their journey.

Maybe it wanted to chase life, like me.

Anyhow, here I sit, in the

thick and sedative trance of nighttime rhythms--

Clock, car, owl. Breathe.

Creak. Readjust. Settle.

Is that it? Does nighttime even

itself become familiar?

No: the light leaves, in its wisdom.

so we may readjust.

So we may be reset to see beyond our eyes--

and instead by the closeness of

humble cycles--swaddling our chaos.

2010-09-27T23:19:00.001-07:00

my sleep has been so weird lately.

some nights i fall asleep immediately ... and others i can't sleep at all.

tonight, i couldn't get comfortable.

why? i've never had trouble sleeping before?

maybe i've just spent so much of the past several years so .. sleep deprived that it's some great novelty to my body to not devour sleep.

but it's 2:20am and now it chooses to be all awake?

i haven't had caffeine since .. this morning?

strange.

maybe something else is going on with me?

i wonder what that might be ..

2010-06-23T12:03:00.001-07:00

i originally wrote this on september 23, 2005. it's interesting to read now ...

shy as a ..something that's really shy.

9/23/2005

i'm debating whether or not to make this a private entry. in a way i don't want to because i feel like it's silly and embarrassing, but on the other hand i sort of want to because i feel like others may benefit from knowing we shy people are quite common. yes, i'm coming out.. lol .. as being chronically shy. so right now i'm researching a bit about shyness (the psychologist in me is taking over ) and finding it very interesting.

i've been thinking about this whole shyness thing a lot lately. i suppose it's mainly because i came to australia not really knowing anyone who i came with (with exception of maybe jessie, but we only really knew each other from class). this meant i had to not only meet all of the people from my college, but also go into a world away from any comfort zone of people i know and can interact with without a second thought. you know, on top of being in a foreign country and having to learn a new culture, new school system, etc. i'm not saying you should feel sorry for me .. i wanted to come here and am loving it. i'm just trying to explain the extra apprehension that goes along with this whole new situation.

and particularly being a christian, it's hard to be shy. i want to reach out to people and befriend them and show them God's love and such .. but that's pretty hard to do when you have little ability to talk to people you don't know. sometimes i feel like i'm failing at the whole great commission ... why did God make me like this when He knew i'd become a christian and not be able to actually serve Him properly? i mean, i know this isn't fully true (if true at all) .. but i can't help thinking it from time to time.

it's something that has been frustrating my whole life. i don't even know where it originated? i just remember always being burdened by this shyness thing. i'd even be shy when my own grandmother came over! i wouldn't want to talk to her for a good half hour until after she was there. and my dad would make me order at the deli if i wanted something in particular. i'd just stand there paralyzed in fear contemplating the battle inside me: i want that food so badly but is it really worth having to talk to that stranger at the counter? basically it's caused me to sit on the sidelines for much of my life ... wishing i had the ability to do things but lacking the nerve to go up and ask. on the playground i'd want to play four square so much .. but i'd just stand there and watch because i was too afraid to ask. and i've procrastinated things to no end working up the courage to do them .. like calling people. i've carried the phone around for hours wanting to call about a job or to get together with someone i don't know well .. and can't seem to bring myself to do it. i'd sit and wait for my mom forever just to avoid having to ask someone for a ride home.

and it makes it worse when people want to be something you just aren't. in high school my coach would always "encourage" me by yelling at me to be more agressive. teachers would give me worse grades for not being assertive. and to top it off, my brother is the exact opposite. he used to hug his teachers when he was little. he was so sweet and charming. how did he do that!

anyway, here's some of what i found that i can totally relate to:

"We may define shyness as an exaggerated fear of rejection or negative response from others. Usually, too, it is a fear which is inhibiting in its effect--it holds us back from doing things we want to do. This does not mean that all who are shy are fearful in every type of social encounter. Many people experience shyness in some areas but not others."

"I had learned to be quite comfortable performing music before an audience. For some reason stage-fright was not a problem for me when performing. I felt at home standing in front of several hundred people with the guitar but panic-stricken at the thought of striking up a relationship with just one person."

"For some the greatest problem with shyness comes in seeking a job or advancement within their profession. There is great embarrassment in speaking to others about their gifts and potential. They feel morbidly self-seeking to raise the question of salary or job benefits."

"Shy people are often intelligent, creative individuals, with highly active imaginations. Their minds work overtime manufacturing imagined catastrophes which seldom occur."

"When a person comes to faith in Christ, this same capacity for mental depth can lend itself to a vibrant faith which is a great antidote to shyness. But shyness can also pose a barrier to faith. God has promised indescribable blessings to the Christian. There are relationships, opportunities for investing our gifts, and experiences of growth for each of us which are nothing short of extraordinary. Yet it takes steps of faith to come into these blessings, and a step of faith means going forward in spite of less than perfect certainty about the outcome. Shy people are so prone to imagine disaster that they may be frightened to take an important step of faith--and even convince themselves that God doesn't want them to."

"My shyness inhibits me to the extreme at times. I find myself wanting to talk with people, to get to know people, but my mind goes blank. I can't think of things to talk about or ask, and I'm unable to start a conversation even if I do have something to say. The silence becomes overwhelming. It's devastating!"

"...Carducci discusses how shy people think about themselves and their shyness. In particular, shy people tend to have a pessimistic attributional style, where they view awkward social encounters as being their fault. Further, they attribute failing to their own ingrained, personal flaws. Successful personal encounters tend to be attributed to luck, the social skills of the other person, or some other external factor beyond the shy person's control. How you label and interpret encounters affects how you feel about them and how they will affect your future behavior."

"Rather than comparing themselves to the majority of reserved people, shy people tend to compare themselves to the most socially successful and outgoing. Then, they rank poorly by comparison. They tend to have great conversational responses, unfortunately, after the conversation has ended."

"Shy people focus too much attention on how they are being evaluated to have fun interacting."

"While everyone else is meeting and greeting, they are developing plans to manage their public impression (If I stand at the far end of the room and pretend to be examining the painting on the wall, I'll look like I'm interested in art but won't have to talk to anybody)."

"They live trapped between two fears: being invisible and insignificant to others, and being visible but worthless."

"Though their shyness leaves no behavioral traces--it's felt subjectively--it wreaks personal havoc. They feel their shyness in a pounding heart and pouring sweat. While they may seem at ease and confident in conversation, they are actually engaging in a self-deprecating inner dialogue, chiding themselves for being inept and questioning whether the person they are talking to really likes them. "Even though these people do fairly well socially, they have a lot of negative self-thought going on in their heads," explains Pilkonis. Their shyness has emotional components as well. When the conversation is over, they feel upset or defeated."

"Teachers label them as shy and it sticks; they begin to see themselves that way--and act it."

"Without a circle of close friends or relatives, people are more vulnerable to risk. Lacking the opportunity to share feelings and fears with others, isolated people allow them to fester or escalate."

"Another cost--time. Shy people waste time deliberating and hesitating in social situations that others can pull off in an instant."

"Yet shy people are often gifted listeners. If they can get over their self-induced pressures for witty repartee, shy people can be great at conversation because they may actually be paying attention. . . Parents of the children she studies tell her that 'even in infancy, the shy child seemed to be sensitive, empathic, and a good listener. They seem to make really good friends and their friends are very loyal to them and value them quite a bit.' Even among children, friendships need someone who will talk and someone who will listen."

"To talk to a quiet person like myself, you should start the conversation. Keep on talking for a minute, and let me get comfortable with you. After a minute or two, I will probably open up to you. Don't go expecting a radical change. It is a gradual process. Don't rush it. I can almost guarantee that if you give a quiet person time they will open up to you. In a lot of cases we are like an oyster, if you open us up, you are likely to find a pearl inside."

"I am a quiet person. That is not to say that I never speak. On the contrary, when I know someone well, I can carry on elightening serious conversations with friends. These very same people cannot, however, believe that I am quiet, because I can talk to them. I supose I could be called a shy extrovert, because I enjoy a good conversation maybe more than anything else. I find nothing more rewarding than to just sit and talk with a friend."

"These people have acquaintances and family members who have differing opinions on their shyness. When young, they like to laugh and act silly to entertain the other children in their class. Despite this, they still don't feel they have any friends. Each friendship they come to seems unrewarding and they are apt to feeling sorry for themselves. They have a lot of energy and enthusiasm for certain projects. They are good students who can speak up in class, but find it terrifying to speak to other students outside of the school setting. At home they are loud and even annoying at times. They can be smart-asses. Their demeanor changes with the people that surround them. They are self-conscious around their peers, but can usually talk easily with those who are much older or younger. Some of them might be called dorks, but they tend to check what they say and do for fear of looking foolish. Their double personality causes them inner turmoil. They have trouble in relationships because they find it difficult to even enter into one. Flirting directly is a big no-no. They are well aware of a crush's presence in a room, but will never make direct eye-contact or conversation, unless it is unavoidable. They instead will drop conversation within earshot of the crush, hoping that they will find the talker interesting. The shy extrovert finds that this never works, but continues doing it anyway. They are not very noticeable except to the few people who know them well. They find being the center of attention both exhilarating and horrible."

"Then again, there are also the "not so obvious" shy types who, although they look like they’re doing alright on the outside, sometimes even mistaken for being outgoing at times, are trembling inside while everyone else is blissfully unaware of the effort they have to put in their demeanor."

"It's the same thing with new acquaintances, I rarely speak unless spoken to and I usually require an introduction which bars me from striking up conversations with strangers."

2010-06-16T08:19:00.001-07:00

morning thunderstorm :)

2010-05-02T09:35:00.001-07:00

Leah

(noun) to be a sexy attractive piece of meat

as you stand there, empty-handed

2010-03-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

The Sun

Have you ever seen

anything

in your life

more wonderful

than the way the sun,

every evening,

relaxed and easy,

floats toward the horizon

and into the clouds or the hills,

or the rumpled sea,

and is gone--

and how it slides again

out of the blackness,

every morning,

on the other side of the world,

like a red flower

streaming upward on its heavenly oils,

say, on a morning in early summer,

at its perfect imperial distance--

and have you ever felt for anything

such wild love--

do you think there is anywhere, in any language,

a word billowing enough

for the pleasure

that fills you,

as the sun

reaches out,

as it warms you

as you stand there,

empty-handed--

or have you too

turned from this world--

or have you too

gone crazy

for power,

for things?

2010-03-25T19:59:00.001-07:00

can i go to africa ... yet?

2010-02-21T20:47:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i feel that my heart may literally explode. and not being one for sap, this is really saying something. but right now .... right now, sitting in leah's guest room.. knowing i spent all weekend in maryland. knowing i get to go on a 3 hour morning drive tomorrow. knowing i get to see my kids at reading club tomorrow, and cook dinner for rosalie's family with her tomorrow night. knowing sarah, knowing anne. hoping i'll see trevor on tuesday. and knowing i will see bonnie this weekend. and knowing i'll go on a road trip with nelli and caitlin in a week.

knowing He has withheld no good thing.

this must be a taste of what heaven feels like: a fourth dimension of joy. your heart, continually exploding and imploding about itself with utter gratitude. love, everywhere you turn.

but a vapor.

2009-12-27T00:28:00.000-08:00

(from: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/)

"We are but a vapor. I think we know that we could die tomorrow, or worse that our children could, but do we really KNOW it? You know, LIVE as if we know in our hearts that we are just a breath, that we will wither and fade like the grass and the flowers... I know there are days when I don't. I am not meaning to be morbid, simply realistic. Because I know that if I lived like I really KNEW this truth, if I treated everyone as if they were David and might be taken tomorrow, I would love better. I would hug my children tighter and hold them longer. I would tell people thank you more often and I would tell God thank you more often. I am thankful that as I care for sick children often, this is something I am reminded of often, and I pray that it would change the way I life my life.

Francis Chan wrote, "How we live our days, is how we live our lives." I had to read it several times as I let it soak in. Because it is true. So often we find ourselves waiting for a specific moment, a specific call, something special. For what? How we spend our days... that will be our LIFE. Because today could be it. If Jesus came back today and said, "Let's go!" would we be ready? Would we be doing what we want to be doing when we meet Jesus? People say to me often, "You are so lucky that you found your calling, that you know your purpose in life." This statement boggles my mind. I AM so blessed to live the life that I do. But it isn't rocket science. God did NOT part the sky and shout out to me, "Katie! Serve my people." I read it in His word. You can too. We can all see as plain as day that Jesus says the number one commandment is to love the Lord and love your neighbor. I happened to move to Uganda and love those neighbors, but that is not the point. As believers, we should already KNOW our calling; it is to love the Lord and love our neighbors by caring for them in whatever broken state they are in. When He said that "the poor will always beamong us" I don't think he meant that as an excuse not to worry about it but as a reminder that there is ALWAYS a neighbor, no matter where we are, in a worse condition than we are. I can only believe that God created us to make this world a little better. That he designed us in love to show that love to others. I just don't know what everyone is waiting for."

2009-12-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

dear 2010,

please be a year when people (and animals) stay alive.

thank you & it's much appreciated.

yours very truly,

ashley allyson

2009-12-17T08:35:00.000-08:00

"i love relationships with grace in them. people who are different enough from each other have more of a space, more of a need for grace to fill in the gaps"

uncut.

2009-12-14T11:31:00.000-08:00

This is definitely going to be Ashley-organic. No editing, and little re-reading, and probably too much rambling (because when is there not?)... because I have to run to take a shower and pack before I get going, but I also want to write because I haven't taken a moment to think in the past 18 hours at least, so here it is: a recalibration moment. I'll try my best not to make you the recipient off too many outpourings though, don't worry.

Last night my Dad left me a message asking me to call him "sooner rather than later." Which is fairly typical for his structured, always-on-exact-schedule life, but I put it off until after Trevor left (he came to visit for the weekend)... to maintain my lazy Sunday world for as long as I could until I had to re-enter the papers and ominous-father-phone-call reality. In short, he let me know that he and my aunt and a couple doctors had decided, after extensive discussion, to discontinue my grandmother's medication, excluding pain meds, and to "let things run their course."

I mean, okay, she's old. And she's miserable, truly (her mind is well but her body called it quits years ago). And this isn't at all an atypical life event. But why is stopping medication the best course of action? Plus, it's Christmas. Plus, my other grandmother just passed away earlier this semester. We already took the hospice adventure not too long ago--do we really have to go down that path again? And why are half of the belongings in my apartment all formerly owned by my grandmother? I knew I had inherited a lot when she moved into her nursing home .. but I hadn't realized quite how much until last night, when, in every room, I found myself sitting in her chair, using her dishes, curling up in the blanket her arthritic hands had made on my bed.

I told Trevor these things soon after he returned to Lewisburg. I went to a Christmas party, but ended up texting him in the middle of it saddened by its insufficient ability to be a distraction. At that, he decided (despite my resistance) that he would drive back to State College at 11:30pm, even though he had a work retreat to leave for this morning. And in the meantime, Bonnie insisted on keeping me company. So, on the phone, we sat, and we talked, and we prayed. Book of Common Prayer, Evening Prayer: Rite Two. Really--how do I have such incredible friends?

My grandmother taught me the Lord's Prayer. She taught me to pray; when I was little, I used to make myself not fall asleep so I could listen to her praying in Polish from the adjacent room. And, there was a passage near the end that said this: "Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen." ....shield the joyous. What an interesting way of putting it. Does it mean to protect them? Guard them? Keep their innocence? Prevent their pride? Hold them in safety? How can a simple phrase be so all-encompassing?

Alright, well, it's probably time I get on with my day. But it's such a gift in itself to have a direction to send my rambling, flawed though they may be. Plus, isn't that the modus operandi these days? It seems like everyone is putting out "EP albums" ... raw, uncut studio recordings. Neither the writer nor the listener feel the need to answer their flaws. Why do we find them so great, mistakes included? Perhaps even more profound than their freshly polished albums? Maybe for the same reason some of the greatest 'novels' ever were taken directly from writers' diaries. It rehumanizes the abstract writer on the other end. We want the emotive, scuffed up, candid version; maybe we want the person, not the product.

2009-11-20T11:34:00.001-08:00

my heart aches to know how i should live.

2009-11-14T20:06:00.000-08:00

to spend all night in the back yard,
staring up at the stars and the moon.

2009-11-11T19:50:00.001-08:00

"i just got to this place of silence. i simply have nothing more to say."

2009-10-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

and the roads diverge.
and neither option holds full hope.
i'm missing a road, i am.

2009-10-25T06:51:00.001-07:00

Some days I'm a bird, some days I'm a song.
Some days I'm a storm, sometimes I'm just plain wrong.
But there is a still quiet voice and it sounds a little like mine,
Saying, “You’re right where you should be, it's just going to take time.”

When's it all breaks down
When they's nothing to lose
When there's no more to say and there is nothing to prove
Oh yeah bring it on, all things living in you.

You're not just what has happened, you can be something new.
But what you leave to the shadows, what stays in the dark,
Will grieve you and seize you and cripple your heart.

2009-10-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaoh's court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

2009-10-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

how can you begin describe one of the most influential people in your life in a short letter of recommendation? words could not contain my heart's outpourings, let alone this 8 1/2 x 11 sheet.

2009-10-13T20:31:00.001-07:00

Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." (Matt 9:22)

2009-10-11T16:42:00.001-07:00

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state

And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries

And look upon myself and curse my fate,

Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,

Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,

Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,

With what I most enjoy contented least;

Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,

Haply I think on thee, and then my state,

Like to the lark at break of day arising

From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;

For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings

That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

2009-10-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

2009-10-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

Peace, peace, it's hard to find
Doubt comes like a tiny voice that's so unkind
And all your fears
They conspire to unwind you

And in your dark street shines
An everlasting light
And all your hopes and fears
Are met in Him tonight

2009-10-06T23:15:00.000-07:00

"There are all kinds support groups for people who grieve, but nothing for people who should be grieving but don't."-Discovering My Autism, Jessica Kingsly

2009-10-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

give us this day our daily bread.

2009-09-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

on friday, i read this (well, the italicized part) at my grandmother's funeral. it was hastily written and poorly delivered. but, it was enough for the day. i love you, grandy.

(this picture makes me smile. we both just look so .. bright. she has forever-hot-pink lips that are brought out further by her shirt [i can assure you, the day before she passed away, her lips were still beautifully pink]. and i have swimmers' shoulders and blonde hair. and, of course, we are sitting on her floridian furniture, which could [i say this honestly] not have been more appropriately placed in her philadelphian home.)

~*~

"Do you see God in everyone? Despite our brokenness, one of our greatest gifts as humans is that we reflect our Creator’s image inherently, and that we can teach each other God just by being who we are.

Now, if you asked my grandmother how she reflected God, my hunch is that she’d say something along the lines of, “Well, my stunning good looks have God written all over them—have you seen the portrait of me with those gorgeous golden locks?”

Or, maybe when *you* think of how Grandy was God-like, you immediately come to her no-less-than-divine ability to read a 300 page novel in about .. 300 seconds.

And, there was the fact that she had this ability to listen patiently to you, without ever really demanding attention herself.

In the chapter 11 of the Gospel of John, Martha and Mary’s brother Lazarus dies. Martha begs of Him, “If you had been here, my brother would not have died.” But, Jesus was there. Of all things Christ was, His quality of being “there” is undeniable. This was our Emmanuel, our God who came down to find us, to be with us. He demonstrated this a few short verses later in the well-known verse: “Jesus wept.” Though we cannot be sure the cause of Jesus’ tears, we do know that, because he was there, He was deeply moved to raw emotion. Our Christ was with them.

Upon contemplating all of the many things Grandy taught me, I realized that one aspect of God she constantly showed was the art of being there. She patiently met you where you were. Of course, that being said, at my graduation she did develop the nickname “the wandering grandma” after we couldn’t find her for at least 45 minutes. But, despite what it may seem, I think this may be the truest demonstration of her 'being there.' While I took pictures and laughed with my friends, she unassumingly waited for me. She walked around the campus, met people, and even got herself something to eat. Even when she wasn’t there physically, she was there for us. She, like Christ, knew the simple joy of just being where you were.

Aside from this quality, she demonstrated many other facets of God’s character. I am quite sure that few people will pour out gifts on me like my grandmother did. And, you could know her for years, and one day ask if she knew anything about doll-making for your colonial days project. Then a few hours later she would reveal her completely hidden talent by presenting you with a beautiful doll for you to show off in school the next day.

And then, well, there was her …perhaps more human side. I feel these things warrant sharing as well. One day, my grandma, around the age of 80, decided that boogie boarding was obviously for her. I remember watching her wrestle the waves, thinking I had to have the coolest grandmother around. And there was last year, when she and my mom and I spent a weekend at the beach, what was her drank of choice? Scotch. Straight. And even last week, I told her I was reading an article about economic theory that I didn’t quite understand, and even in her weakness, she lost no ability to tell it like it is: “It stinks!” she proclaimed from her bed. Candid, witty, blunt. That was her.

And so today, while she is not with us physically, she is with us. As we go to be with each other, let us carry and delight in the pieces of us that are forever changed because she was, and is, with us."

~*~

and now, i am going to go sing in the shower. because that is right for this day.

2009-09-11T20:01:00.000-07:00

you try to live and love
it comes and interrupts.

2009-09-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

i wonder if God gives us the gift of things feeling surreal when we can't experience them head on. graduations, births, traveling abroad, weddings, winning the lottery, deaths. they're all a blur. but, i'm pretty sure i'm grateful for the blur.

2009-08-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

birthdays always happen so surprisingly quickly.
it seems like they're perpetually far, then one day they're in two weeks, then they're gone.
i wonder why this rhythm .. imaginary/approaching/wake-up.
that's sort of how christmas is too.
or any exciting event.
maybe two weeks is the window for whirlwind?
who knows.
anyway, time to re-enter imaginary...
by the way, bonding over food is more fine than anything has ever been.
sigh--ignorance is not bliss: intimacy is.

2009-08-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

it's a sadness about all of these things. not frustrated or angry or even upset just.. sad. it's about the discrepancy between the way things are and the vision: the way things could be, and should be. it's the resounding clash between heaven and earth. and sometimes it causes frustration or anger. tears or trepidation. but tonight, it's nothing more than a long defeat. where really, truly, the only hope is an unseen way.

because the raindrops have returned. they're splashing into the ocean of unknowns in the way raindrops do, and are warping the little light that finds its way into the blue abyss. the funny thing about water, though, is that despite it lessening the ability for vision, hearing is heightened. sound travels faster, fuller. so why am i fighting to see though the water.. when listening, and casting out echoing cries to understand my surroundings, would be far more helpful?

2009-08-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

key westtttt...
home of the sunset.
our home for the next two days.
excuse me while i go swim in the pool outside our room and 'get away from it all'....
(all = grad school, but mostly cold state college weather ;)

2009-08-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

do you have people in your life who just ... speak truth to you? one time, my friend bonnie, in her infinite whimsicality, asked me to "tell her something true." how would i even begin to do that? but, it's been something i've pondered ever since [ever since being .. at least the past two years? perhaps more?]. i wonder what gives these statements truth. i suspect it has more to do with their timing than their content. or maybe it's that they speak uniquely you, right in the moment when you aren't quite sure what 'you' means.

anyhow, i feel like i'm rapidly collecting these moments as of late, so i'm going to compile them [even if some of them were sent secondarily instead of by their original authors; same principle]. perhaps they'll serve as an anchor at some future prodigal point?

...

"Please. (I'll demand politely.) I know your MO, so you'll have no choice but to share, got it?! :)"

"They may have many friends, but they don't have another Ashley G. (I was just going to write "another Ashley" but Ashley's such a common name that I thought I'd be more specific)."

"i love how instead of asking 'does that mean something's wrong?' you wrote 'does that mean everything's okay?' hmmm. what does that say about you, or me, or our relationship? ;)"

"So every day
I was surrounded by the beautiful crying forth
of the ideas of God,
one of which was you."

"I am really not meant to be a part of society I think. It irks me."

"if the whole psych thing doesn't work out...you could totally be a preacher. we could go to africa together and be a preaching psych pair of the introverted variety."

"I have often been told that when one first turns to God, one is greeted with brilliant Yes answers to prayers. For a long time that was true for me. But then, when he has you hooked, he starts to say No. this has been, indeed, my experience. But it has been more than a No answer lately; after all, No is an answer. It is the silence, the withdrawal, which is so devastating. The world is difficult enough with God; without him it is a hideous joke." - Madeleine L'Engle

"this is not what i'm going to forreal write you."

"i'm back and i see your green dot!!"

"Take it from me--crazy life is much better than sitting around with nothing to do but sit around and get crazy in your head. Crazy life is much better than crazy in your head."

"I started dancing in my kitchen when I read your email. Then I hugged Ellen and tried to tell her about the beauty of women friends. Just yesterday, she, Sean and I had a conversation in which they both tried to convince me that, based on their experiences, girls make lousy friends to each other. I assured them that this can change."

"..it makes perfect sense to me that the one you sent (and the caption) made you think of me – not that I can say why exactly."

"I found it simultaneously humbling and encouraging. As always, I am struck by our collective vulnerability and strength."

"It's a beautiful mystery isn't it?"

"You wrote with such passion and urgency, giving me the feeling that you might have been out of breath by the end of it. I could literally feel the pulse of that email - - it was wonderful!"

"Just a crazy love for them - - not for their possibilities (although that's a piece of it I'm sure), but for who they are at this moment. They move me."

"Life doesn't get any better. This I know for sure."

.....

From This River, When I Was a Child, I Used to Drink

But when I came back I found
that the body of the river was dying.

"Did it speak?"
Yes, it sang out the old songs, but faintly.

"What will you do?"
I will greive, of course, but that's nothing.

"What precisely will you grieve for?"
For the river. For myself, my lost
joyfulness. For the children who will not
know what a river can be--a friend, a
companion, a hint of heaven.

"Isn't this somewhat overplayed?"
I said: it can be a friend. A companion. A
hint of heaven.

....

"I have come to believe that over the course of a lifetime, if we are fortunate, we will find a few souls that serve as anchors for our own soul and that this is what we seek - - sometimes tentatively as in our most vulnerable and lonely moments and sometimes with passion and abandon. I believe that we are drawn and compelled by certain people regardless of age, gender, interests, experiences, personality, and so forth. They simply catch us up in some inexplicable way."

2009-07-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

i like the smells of morning: the preparation, the anticipation, the hope.

2009-07-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

The flowers you gave me are rotting and still I refuse to throw them away.
Some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
They might so I'm waiting and staying awake.
Things I have loved I'm allowed to keep
I'll never know if I go to sleep.

make no protest as you go.

2009-07-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

Thus might I hide my blushing face while His dear cross appears,

Dissolve my heart in thankfulness, And melt mine eyes to tears.

2009-06-25T22:43:00.001-07:00

statistics, please be over :(

2009-06-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

wrongs will be righted
if we're united
let us seize the day..

(ah, newsies.)

2009-06-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

"how does africa taste?
is the hue of the morning sky a different shade of blue? it always sounded so cliche to say that australian skies were bluer. but they were. i may miss australian skies most of all.

when you know something, do you feel like it knows you? i wonder why knowing leads to the feeling of being known. is this a false reciprocation? is it because knowing leads to a hope of belonging? did you feel like you belonged in cameroon, by simply knowing it? not belonged in the sense of the star-shaped-block fitting through the star-shaped-hole. but, belonged .. as in je connais. you may know 'je sais' the roads .. but could you know them, as if they were people? as if cameroon were another being, one with whom you could converse? i wish i could articulate this. i feel it so clearly.

i wonder if it's the same subtle difference in living and abiding. right now, i live in God more like He's my address or current location. i don't abide in Him. you're living, in kenya right now. but, i pray for you to be allowed to live there. to dig your toes into the earth and reach your fingers to the sunlight. to drink in, and give back beauty. and, live into. i love how you said that. 'live into his joy' .. it suggests motion. a moving toward. we live into joy, not live in joy."

2009-06-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

Oh, what will let my heart run free
Break these chains deep inside of me
If heaven knows, lord I cannot see

Burning sun fell through a blinding mist
It broke the ground with gentle fists
Beneath the sky wide and full of grace
A ruthless trust filled this faithless place
Oh, there’s no love that deeper be
Human heart nor eye can see

Heaven knows what it’s given me

2009-06-03T07:08:00.001-07:00

it scribbles across the sky in all directions, as if just beyond the next city block. only the
accompanying silence gives away its real distance.

2009-06-01T20:58:00.001-07:00

not because we want to

but because we are dead

and if i know anything, Christ is the way to life

2009-05-15T00:10:00.001-07:00

We’re all homesick
Is love the reason?
My hunger led me to your hope
Until the end of this colder season
Keep us warm

2009-05-02T22:37:00.001-07:00

anger always seems like an entirely new emotion every time it happens.

2009-04-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

it's weird how much control you have in relationships with other people. and how they are so dependent on reciprocity (would saying 'simultaneous reciprocity' be redundant?).

then again, it's incredible how little control you have as well. how they come to you, with full spirits of their own, and leave so unexpectedly. sometimes, before you know that they're on their way out. and then you're left .. looking at them, and trying hard to remember what it felt like when they were so very present, just a short time ago.

2009-04-21T08:42:00.000-07:00

Ashley

it's the ask-an-important-person-to-be-me-doctoral-chair meeting

Ruth

Don't ask in pirate.

....ha. also yes, scary meeting today. actually, the second. two committee members down, two more to go. ah!

2009-04-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

i am so desperate for attention sometimes that it's sickening.
and, the moments when i like anything but contemplation and discussion are so few and far between. they're fun, but they just don't compare.
bonnie had it right when she said that life's best moments are lying in bed, figuring out the world.
it's like i have this undying curiosity, and if i don't get to express it regularly, it bursts. i'm like a teapot, and will start crying out if i'm left just to stew for too long without being tended to.
how come some people get me so well, and yet we can't talk? and others barely understand .. but i just feel so .. fulfilled after having a conversation with them. why does conversation matter so much to me? and why are some conversations so much better than others? escape. it's about escape. escaping the world to slip into a world of our own while we talk. that's what it is. that makes all the difference.

2009-03-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

how can i be simon?

2009-03-07T16:05:00.001-08:00

today i was thinking about toothbrushes sitting next to toilets.
and how often we try to clean ourselves with something that may actually make us more dirty.
of course, that's not a general rule.. because the toothbrush will still remove plaque and food particles. but will it add anything less desirable?

i know there's a metaphor in here somewhere, i just have yet to find the right thing to apply it to...

2009-02-24T07:45:00.000-08:00

i wish i could reach out and rejoice with the world today.
can i sing alleluia in spite of myself?

2009-02-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

Rivers never fill the oceans
But oceans always feel
The waters reaching deep inside them
I guess they always will

Love's a constant mission to a world you never spoke
Love, it keeps you wishing
My heart, it keeps me broke...

---
confused words are appearing in my mind rolling around the world is a jumble of an unmanageable mountain of entangled thoughts that become visual memories trying to tear apart one image from the other to make sense of it all but cant I need to escape from the people from the place from my mind something holds us back its ingrained within us from childhood like chains they shackle us hinder us from the light in the world one has to look out of themselves grab that ladder and climb to the top of the world out of themselves and find the light wherever it may be some are capable of doing it on their own and others need to be slapped out of it

2009-02-22T22:37:00.000-08:00

The winter's going to be cold.

2009-02-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

why is being happy so natural for some,
yet impossible for others?
why are we predispositioned like this?
and who has the greater blessing?

2009-02-15T23:34:00.001-08:00

hot water screaming
over the silence in my house
will someone get me out of this meltdown?

again? so soon?

2009-02-02T18:29:00.001-08:00

this doesn't feel like rolling to the middle.
for me, either.

2009-02-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

sandra, what would i do without you?
still, i don't want this song to ring so perfectly capturing.
what does that mean?

--=--
summer heat through the porch screen
like time through my lungs
i am overcome, with your memory
there's a stain on my hands
of gasoline and sand,
and night comes again without asking

like a train car running off the tracks,
you can run behind, but you cannot get it back...

change comes like the splitting of wood
like the plow blade turns the soil on the ground
and the change comes like it should
you gotta die before you live
something's gotta give for you to find
what comes after

spare change in my pocket
falling from my jeans
you are fading from my dreams
with each sunrise
hot water screaming
over the silence in my house
will someone get me out of this meltdown?

and the change comes like the splitting of the wood,
like the plow blade turns the soil on the ground
and the change comes like it should
you gotta die before you live,
something's gotta give for me to find...what comes after

write the words, memorize the frame

it's so bittersweet, to leave you again

i left houston on a sunday
and i just can't explain
feels like a drug in my veins
all this changing, all this changing...

2009-01-27T21:24:00.000-08:00

my playlist is on random.
and i'm discovering all sorts of songs i never knew i had.
such as this one (how tragic that i was unaware of a U2 album!):

You're kept awake dreaming someone else's dream
Coffee is cold but it'll get you through
Compromise that's nothing new to you.
Let's see colors that have never been seen
Let's go places no one else has been

You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough
Well if the sky can crack there must be someway back
To love and only love

also, there's a part of me that's grumpy about how easy the internet makes everything these days. it used to be a talent to change html settings on blogs. and to be able to use photoshop instead of sites like picnik. but, i suppose the days of intense user friendliness are upon us.

2009-01-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

apparently lyrics are my lifeline lately.

The current is strong from what I've heard
It'll wisk you down the stream
But there never seems to be much time

My toes just touched the water

Daydreamed on the bank again
I was swimming with the fish
And I thought this time that it may be true

My toes just touched the water

Walked a mile just to find the edge
Some place low enough to step right in
Now I'm here and I can't begin - to move

Walked a mile just to find the edge
Some place low enough to step right in
Now I'm here and I can't begin - to move

The spoiled sun up over there
It always has to have its way
And I know that the river's there to shelter me

My toes just touched the water

(norah jones)

perhaps i should really think about getting some of her music..

2009-01-22T22:19:00.000-08:00

This is how I know our love
This is when I feel its power
Here in the absence of it
This is my darkest hour

When both of us are hunkered down
And waiting for the truce
All the complicated wars
They end pretty simple
Here when the lights go down
We roll to the middle

No matter how my pride resists
No matter how this wall feels true
No matter how I can't be sure
That you're gonna roll in too
No matter what, no matter what
I'm going to reach for you

2009-01-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

When I get to heaven I'm gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

What I thought I wanted
What I thought I wanted

Staring in the water like aesop's foolish dog
I can't help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

2009-01-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

"the recipe page has been the most visited part of the inaugural website" ...so that's why i'm an american ;)

2009-01-20T09:27:00.001-08:00

and, one last thing ... did someone from scranton, pa really make it to vice presidency? :)

2009-01-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

sitting here, watching the inauguration ... what do i feel?
why is there still an invocation? what purpose does it serve ... just because we feel like we have to have it? why do we still say "so help me God" .. and swear on the bible?
why are people more excited to see aretha franklin than to speak to the God of the universe? nothing against ms. franklin .. she's great .. but do we .. do i .. comprehend who we're speaking to when we pray?
hope. freedom. change. newness. love. service. equality. justice.
isn't it clear, perhaps more than ever, that these are the things we long for?
are these not the very things woven through each and every gospel?
this is no novelty.
what about simplicity?
"when true simplicity is gained, to bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed"
why do americans know simplicity to be good, but follow everything but it? why do i do the same very thing?
maybe it's good to keep singing these songs, repeating these words. at least we will be reminded... at least we won't forget these virtues completely.
but, is it not obvious that we have no ability on our own to go through with doing what we know is right?
so why do i watch this with tears in my eyes? where is this emotion coming from?
"a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves"
..do we have that willingness?
is guilt causing this? sadness? worry? uncertainty? melancholy?
is presidency 'sacred'?
do we even know how to brave icy currents anymore?

2009-01-20T06:42:00.000-08:00

Cutting through the darkest night are my two headlights
Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here
To the twilight
There's a dead end to my left
There's a burning bush to my right
You aren't in sight
You aren't in sight

Do you want me
Like I want you?
Or am I standing still
Beneath the darkened sky
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you
Passing my by?

On this hot summer night
Between fight and flight
Is the blind man's sight
And a choice that's right
I roll the window down
Feel like I'm
I'm gonna drown
In this strange town

Feel broken down
I feel broken down
Do you need me
Like I need you

A sweet sorrow is
The call tomorrow

Are you passing me by
Or am I standing still?

2009-01-19T22:28:00.001-08:00

why do i believe such lies? so easily?

2009-01-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

'cause hell's the only place you can be free of all love's pain.
[is this true?]

2009-01-15T05:33:00.000-08:00

"Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?"
-from "Reluctance" by Robert Frost

2009-01-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

i'm scared.
sometimes, i understand the verse about not making promises.
promises shouldn't be made.
they only set you up for not following through.
or the fear of it, at least.
i'm tired of living in this brokenness.
with this broken body, broken soul, broken heart. surrounded by broken people.
where all we are is defeated.
why must suffering bring glory?

2008-12-04T22:11:00.000-08:00

in blue like jazz, donald miller notes that "there are some nights when i just don't want to be on earth." ... (or something along those lines). yes, there are some nights when i simply don't want to have to keep existing. tonight is one of those nights. it's not bad, necessarily. it just .. is. i'm just so completely done being. here.

2008-12-03T16:16:00.001-08:00

do you think you match other people? or are you usually the one who is being matched? do you notice either way? in your relationships, who determines the atmosphere of things?

i find that i very much match people. i match people's moods. i try meet people where they need to be met. i match their levels of investment. if someone puts a lot into a relationship, so will i. if they don't, that's okay, but i can't bring myself to either (which, i guess is true of most people, but still). i wish i could just be less sad about such things. i also wish i could be matched more often. i think i just shows care and nurturing and protection and .. an understanding & awareness of the other person's current state and needs. and, i have a special place in my heart of initiators. for people who write to you just because they're thinking about you. not even when people do that for me .. but, when i see it happening in general. people get so wrapped up in who's right in front of them, that they often forget about who isn't. can't we just focus on what the non here-and-now from time to time? is it so hard to remember that there's more to life than the current moment?

i think i'm feeling venty. [and, now i'm resisting making a lame joke about a 'venti' starbucks drink.. agh...]

2008-12-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

some time ago, i decided i wanted to make a goal of appreciating small details. in nature, in man-made structures, but especially simple, yet intricate details about people. it pains me how much of life goes unnoticed. i want to notice. i love when i know people so well that i can recognize things about them. i think i realized this in (okay, this is odd, but bear with me) a bathroom stall in high school. it was during swim team practice, and one of my friends walked in. i didn't have to ask who it was ... i knew because i recognized her feet. and then it occurred to me that i probably could tell who most people on the team were even if they were all behind a curtain and all i could see was their feet. or, i love when i know someone's handwriting. or am inherently familiar with the sound of their laugh across an auditorium. i think maybe i just love to appreciate what makes people uniquely.. them.

and sometimes, i am just in awe of how beautiful people are. not in appearance so much as in .. just the beauty that they exist. i want to spend more of my life awed. i want to walk around with the eyes of a child, in wonder of my world. i want to proverbially zoom in and out on life. i focus so much on an eye's length ... but what if i were to look more closely, and see the grains and knots that make up my bureau? or widen my perspective and look at who i'm talking to in the context of their story, and why they have the lines on their face, and how many sun-kissed hours were spent creating freckles, and who bought them they necklace they where every day? i want to be curious about people. i want to ask them questions, and show them value, and just .. appreciate their being. i think by wondering about someone, you are adding value to their life somehow. we have such little attention to give, that if we choose to give it to pondering someone's story, it demonstrates a profound love for their being.

also, i have come to the conclusion that we spend far too much time and energy escaping sadness. i feel lately as if i'm looking at the world through grey-colored lens. it doesn't feel great, i suppose ... but it somehow doesn't feel 'bad' either. i almost feel .. gratitude? for it. it's not that i want to feel bad ... or even that i'm accustomed to it. it's just .. beautiful to live out the full range of experiences.

I’d rather have the mystery and the madness and the rains
cause hell’s the only place you can be free of all love’s pain

I have no claim on the future
so here I lay me down
and God is a friend to lovers
he makes the bone, the flesh, the ground
and he walks with us, make no mistake

2008-11-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i like to create quote collages for no particular reason. also, i am in love with walt whitman. and would like to start memorizing some poetry. maybe i shall start with walt.

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
- Robertson Davies

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
- George Bernard Shaw

Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
- Laurence J. Peter

After you have exhausted what there is in business, politics, conviviality, and so on - have found that none of these finally satisfy, or permanently wear - what remains? Nature remains.
-Walt Whitman

All faults may be forgiven of him who has perfect candor.
-Walt Whitman

And your very flesh shall be a great poem.
-Walt Whitman

Behold I do not give lectures or a little charity, When I give I give myself.
-Walt Whitman

Give me the splendid silent sun with all his beams full-dazzling.
-Walt Whitman

If any thing is sacred the human body is sacred.
-Walt Whitman

The art of art, the glory of expression and the sunshine of the light of letters, is simplicity.
-Walt Whitman

The poet judges not as a judge judges but as the sun falling around a helpless thing.
-Walt Whitman

Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons. It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth.
-Walt Whitman

Above all, create silence in your interior. Let that ardent desire to see God arise from the depth of your hearts... -Pope John Paul II

If you are what you should be, you will set the whole world ablaze. - St. Catherine of Siena

The feeling remains that God is on the journey, too.
-Saint Teresa of Avila

swiss cheese.

2008-11-25T09:17:00.000-08:00

i was just talking to leah, and since we are contemplative together, we wondered what cause the holes in swiss cheese. her guess was air. right she was. apparently there's also hole-y controversy!:

"Swiss cheese holes" are caused by gassy bacteria . In order to make cheese, you need the help of bacteria. Starter cultures containing bacteria are added to milk, where they create lactic acid, essential for producing cheese. Various types of bacteria can be used to make cheese, and some cheeses require several different bacteria to give them a particular flavor.

Propionibacter shermani is one of the three types of bacteria used to make Swiss cheese, and it's responsible for the cheese's distinctive holes. Once P. shermani is added to the cheese mixture and warmed, bubbles of carbon dioxide form. These bubbles become holes in the final product. Cheesemakers can control the size of the holes by changing the acidity, temperature, and curing time of the mixture. Incidentally, those holes are technically called "eyes," and the proper Swiss name for the cheese is Emmentaler (also spelled Emmental or Emmenthaler).

Swiss cheese has been in the news recently because the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) created new guidelines that regulate the hole size of domestically produced Swiss cheese. The USDA reduced the standard size of the holes by half because new cheese-slicing machinery got caught on larger holes. The Swiss weren't pleased by the revised guidelines and insist that Emmentaler must have large holes. Considering how iconic those eyes are, we think they have a good point.

...also, what is the point at which couples switch into "we"? is it a gradual change? or is it after marriage? after engagement? what factors does it depend on? the couple themselves and how strong the relationship is? the personality of those involved in the couple? the context of the sentence? i ask these questions because abby left me a message the other day that said she was taking "the daughters of our friends to the orthodontist" ... granted, she's married, so the use of "our" is valid, if not anticipated. but, i do wonder. personally, i think i like the "our" .. but the "we" can get aggravating. "we think that.." ... no, you think that, and you discussed them, you agree on your thoughts (kirsten really came up with this theory, but i concur.. so maybe kirsten and i--we--think? ;) ... but, the "our" does have a nice ring to it.

p.s. can the we be used in other cases? such as the top of this paragraph, when i used "we" for "we wondered" ..? hm. how close does one have to be to a person to be a we?

what do we think?

2008-11-21T21:04:00.000-08:00

the word "steward" is so often thrown around.
what does it mean to be a steward for God?
it kind of bothers me when people look things up in the dictionary and proceed to write about the definition they have found literally..
but, i'm going to commit my own annoyance.
my favorites to conceptualize in terms of Heavenly stewardship are 2, 4, and 8.
a household. a vessel .. could we be tending to domestic concerns on a vessel?
especially 8 ...
what if we thought of ourselves as petty officers in charge of higher officers' quarters and mess?
or as serving as stewards instead of acting?
i think i'm ready for a healthy change in perspective.
i wish that could be universally true.

stew⋅ard
–noun
1. a person who manages another's property or financial affairs; one who administers anything as the agent of another or others.
2. a person who has charge of the household of another, buying or obtaining food, directing the servants, etc.
3. an employee who has charge of the table, wine, servants, etc., in a club, restaurant, or the like.
4. a person who attends to the domestic concerns of persons on board a vessel, as in overseeing maids and waiters.
5. an employee on a ship, train, or bus who waits on and is responsible for the comfort of passengers, takes orders for or distributes food, etc.
6. a flight attendant.
7. a person appointed by an organization or group to supervise the affairs of that group at certain functions.
8. U.S. Navy. a petty officer in charge of officer's quarters and mess.
–verb (used with object)
9. to act as steward of; manage.
–verb (used without object)
10. to act or serve as steward.

2008-11-20T22:01:00.000-08:00

God's forgiveness is only natural in the supernatural domain.
Compared with the miracle of the forgiveness of sin, the experience of sanctification is slight.
When once you realize all that it cost God to forgive you, you will be held as in a vice, constrained by the love of God.

the idea of "constrained by the love of God" is oddly comforting. maybe not oddly, just .. unexpected. it feels more like a swaddle than a straight jacket. hemmed in by love.

grobanness.

2008-11-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

there are several favorite playlist selections i have while doing work. they must each involve the perfect combination of giving me enough focus so my mind doesn't wander, but not too much focus on the music itself that it becomes a distractor instead of an attenuator. my collection of josh groban music typically falls perfectly into that category (partially because many of his lyrics are in italian, so i couldn't sing along if i tried..).

however, maybe this focusable theory is not entirely true, because it took much might to not want to write this blog post while writing my paper the other night. i successfully did not, though. but i'm writing it now, which may be equally as bad, as there are plenty of things i probably should be doing instead. *shrugs*

i think i just want to list lyrics that struck me, without saying anything about them. somehow writing about them feels like it would cheapen them?

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized

And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away

You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds and violet haze
Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colours changing hue
Morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain
Are soothed beneath the artists' loving hand

I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

Remember when it rained.
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Remember when it rained.
In the darkness I remain.
Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

I can't understand it
The search for an answer is met with a darker day
And we've been handed these moments forever
But I'm reassured there's another way.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don't let me go it alone
Turn your head up to the sky
Nothing down below but me
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Hold onto what brought you here.

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I, I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I, I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you

Where is that simple day
Before colors broke into shades
And how did I ever fade
Into this life

She stares through my shadow
She sees something more
Believes there's a light in me
She is sure

This world keeps on spinning
Only she stills my heart
She's my inspiration
She's my northern star
I don't count my possession
All I call mine
I will give her completely
To the end of all time

In her eyes I see the sky and all I'll ever need
In her eyes time passes by and she is with me

We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to say
Why's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings

And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me

I heard its lonely sound
It wasn't warring, it was weeping

"My friends," he said, "We've reached our goal
The threat is under firm control
As long as peace and order reign
I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain
Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain."

The world has turned the day to dark
I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes
I will sing this lullaby

And all love through darkness
Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn
With love you'll find your way
My love

and, the last one does receive a line of commentary. because it seems that it's all we never think could happen, and yet all we hope for. it's the fairytale that no matter how old we get, we still believe is true.

A waltz when she walks in the room
She pulls back the hair from her face
She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight
Even her shadow has grace

A waltz for the girl out of reach
She lifts her hands up to the sky
She moves with the music
The song is her lover
The melody's making her cry
So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance
This romance is
From afar calling me silently

A waltz for the chance I should take
But how will I know where to start?
She's spinning between constellations and dreams
Her rhythm is my beating heart

So she dances
In and out of the crowd like a glance
This romance is
From afar calling me silently

I can't keep on watching forever
I give up this view just to tell her

When I close my eyes I can see
The spotlights are bright on you and me
We've got the floor
And you're in my arms
How could I ask for more?

potpourri?

2008-11-16T22:22:00.001-08:00

the word potpourri has had special meaning to me for a while. i know, that sounds strange. but, it began in sixth grade. for as long as i can remember, i'd (i've?) wanted to be a famous actress (cue laughter)... i went to a couple acting camps and such when i was little, but as a sixth grader, i was fortunate enough to be on an academic 'team' (affectionately titled the constellations, in case you were wondering) that took part in theatrical training a couple times a week. we learned acting technique, read plays, and even each wrote a play of our own. at the end of the school year, several plays were chosen to be presented at a one-night-only showing titled "a potpourri of plays."

i enjoyed the title not only for the alliteration, but also because that was when i learned to spell the word "potpourri" (i still have to say pot-pour-ri in my mind, it's true). additionally, mine was one of the plays chosen. and(!), not only was it chosen, but when it was chosen the play-choosing-committee told me that they had had their eyes on my play from its beginning stages.

it was titled "the magic stone," and i got to direct my six actors through many-a-rehearsal. (incidentally, that's also when i learned how terribly bad i was at being bossy--we even had to have a heart-to-heart meeting about my cast wanting criticism [who'd ever heard of such a thing?!] and me being afraid to tell them what i wanted them to do differently). anyway, sad as i was to not be able to act in a play myself, it was quite an honor to have my show selected. the storyline was something like this (abridged): two best friends, one has a lucky charm magic stone, the other one steals it, the one who it belongs to gets hit by a car and is in critical condition, the stone-stealer feels horrible (believing that it is because she stole the stone that her friend was hurt so badly), then the stone-stealer loses the stone and has to tell her friend. but, before she can tell her friend, she gets worse, and the stealing friend cries over her bed, confesses everything to her, and the hurt friend thus wakes up. they realize that it was not the stone's that brought them good fortune after all, but their love and affection being misinterpreted.

yeah, other students wrote about boyfriend drama and proms and such (well, except one girl, who wrote an exciting tale called "the grape escape," which involved several fruit items being emancipated from the fridge-life)... i wrote about depth of relationships and hospitals. go figure, guess not much changes ;)

anyway.

i have a friend who has a journal titled "between poetry and prose" ... needless to say, i adore the idea. i wish i could even be poetic or prosey enough to come up with such a thing. but, i'm going to cheaply take after it, saying that my blog shall be a mix of poetry, prose, and potpourri (yes, a mix of potpourri!).

starting a blog right now seems rather overwhelming, to be honest. and committing to speaking nicely or lengthily isn't really something i can imagine doing right now (okay, maybe not the length part). ...but, a potpourric collection of thoughts, ideas, lyrics, quotes, and moments seems like something i could handle. perhaps some will even have commentary.

so, thus begins my collection.

oh .. a word on the actual title: audible silence. i can't remember if that's something i heard somewhere or just pondered on my nearly-daily walk between offices, but it feels rather appropriate; this will be how my silence find its voice.